Diary of a Snow Shoveler...
December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked
like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I
December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white
snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt
like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and
closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man,
I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l
wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity
goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice
in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for
an hour, Which I think was very cruel.
December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on
to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it
to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to
death in my own living room.
December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow
came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I
have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's
December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go
out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob
who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's
too busy I think the ******* is lying.
December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The
wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did but I think she's lying.
December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of
a bitch who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes
down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where
I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with
her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn
December 25 - Merry ****ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the god
damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I
have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch
"It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the
December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move
here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze,
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400
to replace all my pipes.
December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH
is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof
or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb
does he think I am?
December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He
is now suing me for a million dollars. Not only for the beating I gave him
but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife
went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?